I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
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he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
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Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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