someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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