Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
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Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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