and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
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She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
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It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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