You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
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It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
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Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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