you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize