Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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