I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
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when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
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Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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