We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
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All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
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Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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