two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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