Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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