Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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