the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
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Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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