So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
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I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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