walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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