My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
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Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
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Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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