Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
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all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
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First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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