you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
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I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
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Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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