YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
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I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
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TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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