she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
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I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
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You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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