I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
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my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
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Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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