I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize