yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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