i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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