I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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