the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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