She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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