last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
they need to just BURY HIM!
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
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hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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