I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
When did angry sex become our thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize