Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
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you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
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One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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