3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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