the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
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You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
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I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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