I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize