Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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