Apparently you make a good broom.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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