Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
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