my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
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What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
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We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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