I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
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What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
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I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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