he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
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Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
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I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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