im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
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i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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