I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
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Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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