You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
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All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
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I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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