i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
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While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
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God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize