Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
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Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
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I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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