I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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