after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
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I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
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My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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