Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
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She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
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I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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