I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize