I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
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I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
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I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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