We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
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She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
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I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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